


10 Things I Pity About You

by HeartLionessy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: 10TIHAY, Alcohol (at some point), Alternate Universe - High School, Cliche Romance History, Humanstuck, Inspired by a Movie, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, serenades, the author has no regrets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-02-10 08:15:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12907881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartLionessy/pseuds/HeartLionessy
Summary: The Vantas Brothers can't date. Until somethings change.Cronus sees it as an opportunity and hires the school's cool kid to be apart of his devilish plans.Karkat, unaware of this, can't quite figure out why does Dave Strider insists on talking to him.Inspired by the movie 10 Things I Hate About You.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> sooooooo ok this is my first fanfic  
> hope you enjoy and all  
> bbye

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you hate school. Especially, you hate the people in it.

But today, out of all days, you decided to hate school and it's aspects slightly more. Apparently, no one knows how to remain quiet during class. And by no one, definitely, you mean that one aggravating and ominous dude in your class, the one dim-witted enough to wear shades no matter when and where. (You share the most terrible 5 periods of the day with this nitwit. And only ONE of those periods is shared with your friends. By friends you meant Kanaya, of course, since she’s your only true friend in this blazing hell.)

Your epic downfall to Kingdom of the Most Remarkable Morons started during US History class, where that douchebag talked all class long blamelessly with his sidekick, John Egbert. Apparently, the fuss was about some juice he drank. Repeating, some juice he drank. For God’s sake, your ears couldn't maintain to resist this bullshit.

That’s probably why you told him quite vehemently to shut the fuck up, Strider. He merely looked at you, not that you're very sure he actually looked. You burden it on the shades. 

But the teacher, Ms. Paint, looked. She heard. So being the pain in the ass she is, she sent you right away to the principals (the fanfic addicted and probably addicted to some things else too, Mrs. Meulin Leijon).

You really wish she was more like her little sister, Nepeta, who’s not as unendurable as her. It would make this visit less bitter, but those are the lemons life gives you.

Consequently after you withdrew the class with an audible grumble, you found yourself walking through the extensive school corridors, ones that you have been used to for a considerable time now, since you started here when you were freshmen, and now you were in your junior year. Along the corridors, you saw a tremendous number of lockers and doors, and some few posters talking about the school ball hosted every year for the graduating senior's (even though everyone was invited.)

After reminiscing to the fact that your brother was going to graduate this year, you were kind of grateful. He was going to move to New York to study Humanities and Human Sciences at NYU, and you would finally have some peace at home. Especially since he wouldn't be here to receive his man candy, Cronus Ampora, who had become a common visitor to your house.

His little affair had been happening since the beginning of the school year, and you have no idea of how your father didn't find out already, since Cronus had been coming to your house at least 3 times a month for the last 4 months. You often ask yourself how your brother does it, considering the fact that if your dad finds out, he is good as dead.

Your brother is bloody capricious. Everyone you ever met said he is the most respectable person ever, but you know Kankri. It's not like that.

And would you look at that. You didn't even notice, while you were thinking about your brother, that you were already opening the door leading to Mrs. Leijons office, that was placed right after her secretary's desk.

You talked to Barbara (the alleged secretary) about what happened and why you were there again, the second time this week. 

"Karkat, here again, huh?" She asked casually, polishing her nails while talking to you. It reminded you of how Kanaya polished her own, but in a more pompous way.

"Yeah, yeah, cut me some slack." You rolled your eyes. "Apparently honesty isn't appreciated anymore during class" You complained.

"You can come in, Meuls is not busy." She said shrugging "That is, if anyone considers writing fanfics like a lunatic being busy." She remarked. 

You nodded and made your way towards her office, one who was quite common for you, if you may say sincerely.

The place had green everywhere, every wall shared the same tone of gross olive green, and they all had pictures of the various species of cats that existed in the whole world. And plus, it smelled awful (to detail, it smelled like someone threw a thousand pounds of some kind of perfume pet shops use on animals in there.)

Mrs. Leijon was sitting on her chair, writing something down on her computer, as usual.

She saw you, smiled affectionately and closed her computer, turning her attention towards you.

"Karkitten! Why do I owe you the pleasure?" She asked, using the infuriating nickname she gave you when you were 14. 

"Ms. Paint sent me out of class." You recognize.

"Why did she do that?" She asked, acting like she didn't know exactly why Ms. Paint did that.

"I told someone to shut the fuck up during class." You announce, removing any doubt that you were there because you cursed someone, again.

"Karkitty, darling, you have to stop with this behavior during class!" She squealed, and you have no idea of how she manages to keep up such a good mood while giving her usual lecture on why students should pay attention to class and don't curse other students. "It may get in the way of your purrgress."

"Misses Leijon, I-"

"You can call me Meulin, if you want to!" She informs you. To be honest, you'll never know why she always insists on being 'bffsys' with every goddamn student in this school. And no, the last thing you actually want to do is to call your headmaster by her first name, but since you are not in a very favorable position, you stick to it.

"Uhhhhhh, okay then, Meulin...?" The tone of your voice represents how comfortable you are in the current position you find yourself in.

"Better!" She screeched, loud enough for your ears to be mildly pained.

"Whatever. My point is, I had a reason to shout during class." You claimed. And as far as you were concerned, your statement was real.

Her head twitched to the left, just like those cats and dogs do when they are confused. You could have found time to consider it cute, but your main objective was to get out of there as soon as possible. 

"And what was the reason to shout fur?"

"That boy. The one with shades. Something Strider." You respond, not being 100% honest, since you actually knew his first name: Dave. But you hated it, and pretending not to know it makes people think you hate the owner of the name even more. At least in your mind, that train of thought made perfect sense.

"And what did he do?" She asked. Her head turned marginally to the left, for the purpose of reading a message she got on her phone.

"He didn’t shut up any minute during class, so I just warned him about his lack of manners." You explained rather calmly.

"By telling him to shut the fuck up? I don't really think that's the best way to do it." She said, surprising you. You never expected sarcasm to come out of the Leijons.

"Okay, it was aggressive, but he deserved it." You admit. But to tell the truth, telling someone to shut the fuck up is a really basic thing for you to do.

"Karkitty, you are such a pawsome kid, with purrfect grades" She adds, and you almost snicker, since your grades are not much to be proud about. They were acceptable, you guess. "don’t let your bad mood cat in the way." (In your mind, you're currently cursing your headmaster to 'stop with the cat puns'.)

"Fiiiiiine, I'm sorry. I will try. Can I go now?" You lie. You aren't going to try shit, you'll remain exactly as grumpy as you usually are forever. You have a natural bad mood, no one can take that away from you, especially because you don't want that taken away.

"Yes. You can go. But wait just a mew minutes, Barbara just texted me, she will give you an envelope your father just left on the school's reception." She pleaded, pointing you the door. 

You will shoot everyone in this school today, you swear in the name of everything that's holy.

And about the envelope, it was probably here because you forgot your English homework at home today, and you asked your dad to get it to you. He had some free hours before having to go to work at the hospital today and found the time to bring it to you, so not a total disaster. 

After leaving the principals class, you happened to glance at the bench that stays right next to Mrs. Leijon’s door. For your own surprise and distaste, Dave Strider happened to be just there. He had his shades on, hiding some of his awful freckles, and that terrible emotionless facade that eventually could make space for a smirk. 

"What the fuck are you doing here?" 

He steered his look towards you, and for a second you could almost swear his pokerface "pokerfaced" slightly more.

"Man, aren't people allowed to sit on benches anymore? I mean, these fuckers are made for sitting, you know, right? Trees die out in the entire world to make these babies, they fucking DIE, only so we can sit our sorry asses somewhere. Now may you let one poor tree conclude it's life purpose?" He retorted.

"Jesus fucking Christ, can you shut that nooksniffing mouth for some goddamn 3 seconds?!" You asked, showing your clear irritation with this situation.

"Nah, my bad boys that you bluntly call nooksniffing like to exercise all the time, going up and down, workin' out is all they do" He argues, moving his lips up and down dramatically.

You rolled your eyes so hard your eyelids burn a little.

"Going back to what I previously said, why in the contemptible name of my permanently hate-soiled jerkoff trousers are you here?" You said while making room for you to sit on the bench.

"Well, in respect of the holy name of your hate pants, Ms. Paint kicked me out off class" He chuckled "Apparently we aren't allowed to doodle teachers flying on dicks nowadays."

"Oh, really? What gave that out?" You said in the most ironic way you could make your voice work with.

"Probably Ms. Paint screaming at me to get the hell out. You should've seen the look on her face. I think she wanted to liquefy me and sell what was left at the Philippine black market for 87 cents" He confessed, laughing a bit.

"Well, congratulations, there's just one flaw in your conspiratory theory" You admitted.

"And that is?"

You felt a loosened smirk hovering over your face. "No one would ever buy you. You're an insufferable brat that has a chaotic sense of humor, you are not worth 3 cents."

"Ouch, you hurt my feelings with those words" He stated, gesturing to make his act more dramatic. Or more ironic.

"Well, that was my goddamn intention." You said, confidently.

He laughed non-comically, and all noise except Barbara calling her friend died out.

Finally, after you were handed the envelope, you left with your backpack and returned to the remaining's of class.

Kanaya handed you her notes, asking how it went in the principal's office. You tell her about what you talked with Mrs. Leijon, but don't mention your small chat with Strider. 

Later on, you decided to spend the rest of your periods doing nothing. You hardly paid attention to any class except for Literature, which was the only subject you weren't forced to like.

After the end of your school day, you and Kanaya walk together to the parking place. Those 3 minutes were used by her to talk about a girl she met during one of her periods, a gothic blonde ("Well, there goes her heart", you think).

After you pay her a goodbye, you enter on your car and make your way home.

You have no idea how, but traffic allows you to arrive at home in half of the typical time. At least that worked out in this midst of the big mess that happened.

Before parking in your garage, you noticed a foreign vehicle in front of your house, that looked like it was borrowed from a bad 1950's TV show.

Oh hell no. You, unfortunately, happen to know the dreadful owner of said car.

It was Cronus fucking Ampora, your brother's stupid ass "boyfriend". It still made your head throb with the simple recognition of him inside your house.

So trying to find ways to survive these circumstances, you walk to your door, open it, head to the stairs and ascend.

Midway there, you stop to peek at your brother's room, seeing the gross image of him making out with Cronus.

"You do know dad's coming early today, right, shithead?" You remind your irresponsible brother, interrupting his sloppy make outs.

"KARKAT!" He shouts, looking both surprised and angry with your presence like you didn't even live there. "How many times have I told you to knock in my room? You are violating the basic definition of privacy, which can activate lots of trigger warnings since-"

"For ONE minute, try to shut the fuck up! The door was wide open! I only passed by to give you a friendly warning. Believe me, I have zero percent of pleasure to have to watch you snuggle with your forbidden boyfriend" You inform him, while Cronus blinks at you, smirking. "So kiss the hell you want, I'm out. If you need me, I won't help you with anything, but I'll still be in my room."

You slammed Kankri's door furiously, paced in the direction of your room, threw your bag on the floor, closed your door and grabbed one of your all-time favorite romcoms.

After some 35 minutes well spent on readings, you hear a familiar noise of car engines working coming from your window, so you decide to check it out.

Yup, as you predicted, your dad is parking in his usual spot in front of your house, leaving his car using his white doctor coat and carrying his old and trusty leather bag.

You hear him coming upstairs, and not for a second consider warning your brother about the imminent danger. Since of course, he and his kissing ball didn't leave the room once since you precautiously told them the undeniable.

So of course, you're not surprised when you start to hear indistinct shouts up and down, and you decide to go very close to your door and open it slightly so you can hear what they are saying.

"KANKRI VANTAS!" Your dad shouted. Dang, he only called you by your last names when he was really mad. Haha. Kankri is so damn screwed. "How many times have I told you, you aren't permitted to date until you graduate! Period!" He reminded Kankri angrily of the rule that you have about dating since you were 13.

You heard an exasperated sigh, that you identified as Kankri's. "Father, I told you the social implications of those rules!" Oh great, he is just getting started "They are based on rather old concepts that someone can't choose whom to date due to a determinate age they present currently and are proof that you-"

"Kankri, you have no right to determinate what's right for you! You can't date! That's the rule. God, what did I make to deserve this?!" He questioned. You were struggling to hear everything correctly, but you knew, only based on his tone, that your dad was really pissed.

"You simply implied some rules that are representatives of old ideas of what teenagers are allowed or not to do!" Kankri retorted.

"Kankri, what do you want!?" Your dad asked, rather madly than curiously.

"I simply want rules that don't guard such an old-fashioned and narrow-minded way to think about your children!" Kankri argued.

"Alright son! You know what? You demand new rules in this house?" He asked "Then have some."

Wait, what?

"Kankri Vantas, you are now authorized to date."

Wait... what?!

"As long as your brother is dating someone too." 

WAIT, WHAT?!

"Wait, what?!" You shouted, kicking your door open and revealing that you were listening all along.

"Yes, Karkat, that is the new rule." Dad said, then he shifted his look to Kankri and Cronus. "Now you, kid," He pointed to Cronus "Get out of my house. Immediately."

"Yes sir!" Cronus said, rushing down the stairs nearly instantly.

Kankri was looking absolutely shocked, and you'd like to take a picture of him with that look, but you are too busy being shocked yourself. Kankri can date if YOU do?! Great, now he is going to be pissing you off all day to find someone.

"And Kankri, we're having a serious talk today." Dad said, later to look down at his phone to check a text he received. "But now, I'll have to go. Emergency at the hospital." He said, grabbing his bag, that was thrown down to the floor when he gave Kankri a massive reprimand, and walked down the stairs, leaving you and Kankri with same dismayed and confused look.

Kankri watched at you, as though he was trying to get some answers, but you were as bewildered as him. 

"So..... what now?" You ask candidly.

"I... don't know." He replied, and it hit you even harder to know that for the first time in YEARS, Kankri didn't have anything to say. "I need some time to think about the consequences of our father's recent rule." He acknowledged.

"Yeah, you do that..." You said, scratching your back with your right hand "I think I'll do the same" 

"Yes, do that..." He said.

"Yeah."

"Good."

"Great." 

"Uh..."

Both of you resigned to your respective bedrooms.

You sat on your bed, and the only thing on your mind was "What the hell was that?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i come for you this night (idk for you guys but from the place im posting its 2 fucking am)  
> to tell you  
> NEW CHAPTER BANG BANG  
> with a  
> POV SWITCH BANG BANGˆ2  
> christmas came early  
> (this one's shorter but not that shorter, i tried my best)

Your name is Dave Strider, and you are bored. Not that this school provides any non-tedious classes, but you are very bored, like, level 2000 out of whatever number comes before 2000 bored.

You normally share your dull periods with John, your best friend since you were 7. That is supposed to add more merit to your friendship, since blah blah blah being friends for 10 years omg blah blah blah. You never really cared about it, because since the beginning you are nailing at this best bros thing.

But there you were, your friend back at home being sick, sneezing and with a high (like, Empire State kind of high) fever; and you wallowing in your misery and enjoying the enjoyable company of yourself. 

And while you were, surprise! being bored, you gladly had a free period, so you decided to do absolutely nothing. And the best place to do absolutely nothing was the school soccer/football field. It could be both, depends on the time of the day you guess. 

So you head to your destination, looking at the people passing by, heading to their classes, apparently excited or sad about random shit happening in their lives.

That's when you reach the door leading to the field, that was filled with teens playing with balls and shit related to balls. 

So, you sit alone in the corner of one of the various bleachers (you normally called them bleachers, but they were more like gigantic rows of concrete stairs). You mean, you weren't completely alone. There were some people there, sitting, chatting, cheering for the people playing, doing nothing. But you sit as far away from them as possible. So you finally put your headphones on your ears, and start to listen to a dank remix full of Snoop Dogg, made by yours truly.

You keep this going for about 20 minutes, kind of alternating between listening to music and looking at the people playing soccer at the grass area (midway there, some dudes started fighting over an unfair score or something, God knows what these guys do to care so much about a sport). Until you notice the approach of some senior year dude. Well, you presume he is a senior, because he looks older than you and you are a junior anyway.

He had a pretty strange haircut (and coming from you, the guy with the messiest hair on the whole galaxy, one had to have a REALLY odd hair for you to notice.) that was kinda spikey, a tattoo with two wavey things on his forehead, and a cigarette on his mouth, which was surprisingly not lit. You still cannot point out what you thought was weirder about that guy.

"Hey there! You're Dave Strider, right?" He asked, with a big smirk stapled on his face. He had a strange accent, like he was trying to play pretend a guy from the 1950's (what a big Grease nerd, the last thing you needed was someone to start singing in front of you in leather clothes and Harleys).

"Nah, the name's Snow White, and I'm currently waiting for my 7 slave dwarves to bring me some apple juice." You respond, your tone implying the amount of interest you had in talking to 50's kid.

"Oh vwhat a shame, but I guess Snovw Vwhite vwill have to do, if she is interested in a gratifying amount of money." he chuckled, blinking at you.

There was a slight pause, that was broken when you finally removed your headphones and looked at the guy dead in the eye. Well, not exactly: a familiar pair of shades separated both of your looks, but you had a good look on the guy, and his obnoxious shiny teeth.

"Snowy here is suddenly interested" You admit. "but I'd like to know your name before you start to drown me in piles of money" 

"Cronus Ampora" he bowed dramatically "at your serwvice."

"Ampora?" You asked. Meanwhile, your mind was working on a thousand and one reasons to hate anyone with that surname "So you're related to that prick, Eridan?"

"My little brother is not the greatest guy on Earth," He said, looking somewhat amused by this "but I can assure you I'm vway smoother than him." He said with a pretty confident look, that kinda made you want to punch him in the face.

"It's kinda hard to suck even more than your lil bro." You confess, peeking at your left just in time to witness a score. "You'd have to surprise me there." 

"Hahah" He laughed "Anyvway, I didn't come here to talk about my brother, chief. I hawve business to talk vwith you" He said, his silly tone growing slightly to a more serious one.

"I got that so far, I'm only trying to figure what the hell you want from me" You say, rising one of your eyebrows and doing a perfect Spock impression, and if you must admit it, you love doing that.

"Vwell, I said I could giwve you money. But I'll need something in return, like most of people that give money to an unknowvn fella." He said, shrugging.

"And what do you want me to do? Striptease?" You mock. Even though it was pure irony, your mind was visualizing how gross that image would be. Hell no to that shit.

"No. Your body is not currently the one I'm interested in. That's vwhere you come in the picture." He said, looking somewhat very serious about that.

"So like, what you want me to do? Scream to the person you're into how hot you are so she slash he comes falling right into your arms squealing?" You ask, and that's a really good plan if you may say so yourself. Damn, you rock at this making plans thing.

"Funny, but not actually. You see, it's a hilarious story" He confesses, looking both entertained and anxious about the subject he is going to talk about "I'wve been seeing this guy for a vwhile novw, and I really like him. But the thing is, his father doesn't allovw him to date. At least, he didn't. He can date novw, but only if his brother dates first. So I vwas talking to him about vwhat we could do about that, you knovw, to make this vwork. So I came up vwith this great idea! It's like-" 

"You know, that's a beautiful story. But really, where is this my problem?" You demand, pointing at yourself when you said the word 'my'. 

"That is just vwhere I was getting at! My great idea!" He said, echoing your act to point at yourself when he said 'my'. "Your part in this vwould be dating his brother. Just a fevw dates, nothing wvery serious. Of course, in exchange, you'd get that compensation I vwas talking about." 

"You know what? That's a brilliant plan. There's just one flaw in it." You recognize "What makes you think I'm into guys?" You point out, and the look on his face is ridiculously hilarious.

"Vwell, I thought that you vwere into that guy you alvways hang out vwith. Vwell vwell vwell, guess I vwas vwrong." He said, looking really disappointed, and you almost feel sorry for the guy.

"HAHA! John?! Nah, we are just bros anyvway." You laugh, mocking his silly accent. "And well, I never really said I had a problem with going out with guys. You're the one who jumped to conclusions, buddy. Especially if I get a good amount of cash out of this" You finally admit. It's kinda true, you were into a boy or two when you were younger. And now you get an actual quantity of money? Yeah, you guess you could do it.

"Phew! For a moment there I thought you vwere not going to help me, chief!" He looked really (and underline that 'really' very hard, like, with a red pen and rainbows) relieved. 

"So, we are missing just one detail on this morbid deal." You say "Who the hell am I going to have to make out with?" You ask, and you were actually interested in knowing who was the cause of all the fuss.

"Oh, uhm. I think he is from your class. I don't knovw if you knowv him. His name is Karkat Wvantas." He says.

You laugh. Really hard. Like you haven't laughed in years. After some seconds spent on good laughs, you start to compare yourself to President Snow in that scene at the end of The Mockingjay part 2, and actually start to fear for your life.

Cronus face to this whole situation was iconical. It was a funny mix of "what the hell is he doing?", "is he crazy?" and "I think he is going to die somebody help him". You wish you could take a picture of it. Dang, his face made it almost impossible to stop laughing. But at some point, you manage to do it.

"Uhhhhhh... Is there, like, a problem?" He asked.

"A problem?" You scoff "Yeah, there is a problem. Grumpy kid Karkat hates my guts. There is absolutely no way he would ever go out with me. He is the only one I know that would say no to this piece of cake." You gesture at yourself. 

"Oh. Vwell..." He says, scratching the back of his head. "I vwas told that you are up for big challenges, I guess. I knovw that Karkat is not the easiest person to handle. But couldn't you at least giwve it a shot?" He pleaded.

"Look, man, I AM up for big challenges." And yes, you are. Sword fighting, climbing shit, minor parkours or whatever are things that you do quite normally, so it's not actually 'big' for you. "That should be enough for you to understand that when I say no to one, it means it's a pretty tough one. Like, try making Schwarzenegger do this shit, even he would decline."

"Ugh! Coddamnit! Can't you at least try?" He asked furiously "At least do it for the money! Can't you use it somevwhere? Maybe a pair of nevw headphones, some speakers, shit related to music! I guess you like those since you are vwith these stupid earbuds and an iPod vwhenewver you can!" He suggested "Or, like, can't you use it to help someone you care about? Perhaps your granny is dying of cancer, or a stupid uncle keeps asking for money? You must hawve something to do vwith it!"

You stop. There is someone who needs help. Someone you care about. Someone who was always there for you, no matter what you needed. One of the few people you actually worry about. And this money could be of real use.

You sigh, nodding.

"Yeah, I guess I could use the money to buy some shit I've been wanting for a while now. I suppose I can give it a shot anyway. I wouldn't neglect money so easy." You say, shrugging.

"Great! Novw just some more details-"

"Hang in there just one second man" You demand, standing up. "How do I know you're not actually horseplaying me? I've experienced a lot of pranks before, I know one when I see one. And you know what this smells?" You ask, sniffing thin air just to be more impressive. "A fucking prank."

"Oh trust me, this isn't a prank. This is really important for me. I vwouldn't be makin jokes about it." He affirms. You don't really think this is a prank, even with this being a stupid thing as it is, but you wanted to get his reaction. You are a good lie detector, and older Ampora didn't seem to be lying. 

"Fine, If you are so sure." You shrug.

"Great! Novw, lets talk money." He claimed. "I vwas thinking about-" 

"I'll need an advance. 50 bucks per date." You say, keeping the tone of your voice as serious as you can, giving Cronus a death stare.

"Vwoah, vwoah! Hang in there, chief! 20 bucks." He argues, placing his hands on his waist, like those madams do in movies, and it was kinda funny.

"Not happening, 50 or bust." You say. You really need this money, you aren't giving up that simply. 

"Nope." He says, shaking his head. "50 is too much!"

"Then forget about Karkat's brother. Because, to be honest, I bet my 3 cents that no one would ever go out with someone as cantankerous as Karkat Vantas" You say, crossing your arms.

He cried, throwing his arms to the floor, with the most defeated look ever.

"Fine, I guess you're right. Vwhy does he need to be that bitter?" He asked himself, shaking his head.

"God knows why man. Maybe his cat got ran over when he was 5 and he never got over Mr. Puffers death. Or maybe the only explanation is that some people are born bitter." You say, but the idea of watching Karkat crying and screaming over his cat and his parents saying it just ran away to not hurt his poor feelings was a damn straight comedy.

"Vwhatever, but since you're so interested, go ask him yourself." He proposes smugly. "He is right there, playing soccer." He pointed to the grass field, who was long forgotten in the middle of all this conspiracy. 

"Here, hawve your extorted money." He reaches his leather wallet and hands you 50 dollars, and notice the small John Travolta keychain hanging in his wallet, and you can't help but laugh a little. "My vwork here is done, but yours is just getting started. Knock yourself out! And don't disappoint me!" He said, leaving.

You watch his departure for a few seconds, until you decide you can't keep stalling forever. So you shove the money in one of your pockets, then get up your totally uncomfortable place and slowly descend, keeping your hands in your pockets, and maintaining your pokerface, as usual.

When you finally reach the field level, you realize you got there just in time for the end of the game, which was a tie. (Damn, all of that time and they only got a 1x1. Not that you could do any better, you were never that into soccer.)

That's when you see him, pretty sweaty, and with his typical "I'm going to murder you if you ever even talk to me" look. It kinda made you want to giggle that you were going to try to make him go out with you.

"It's gonna be hella hard" you think.

But well, you really do need the money. You figure the least you can do is give it a try.

How hard could it be anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo this was it  
> now it'll be kinda hard to update since i'll be traveling until january's 11th but i'll try ok?)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh man im so sorry i havent posted for over a month   
> i was traveling ok and it was great   
> and this is also a really short one but the next is going to live up to it or at least i hope it will  
> and also it has some soccer shit and i really dont get soccer even tho im brazilian and most of us dont even know what soccer is so yeah  
> have this and enjoy it as a bear would enjoy some fresh honey

You have no idea why you've chosen to be on the soccer team. Kanaya encouraged (in your point of view, it was more like forced) you to join it because it would help you to unstress, but you are there since the beginning of the year and you still didn't get to achieve that.

Kicking balls and running like Usain Bolt is really something that you'll never consider "relaxing" or "anti-stressing". It only makes you want to punch your co-players, the guys from the other team and yourself all at once in a big clusterfuck of punches.

And just because the world fucking HATES you, you were picked as the team's goalkeeper. Goalkeeper. The only thing that you suck entirely on soccer. Seriously. The last thing you'd know how to do in the whole existence of this bitching universe is how to catch a ball with a speed of two thousand horses coming right at you to destroy your soul.

So of course, something had to go wrong. Because everything has to go wrong.

 

You saw two guys coming at your direction, fighting over the ball. One from your team and the other from the enemies team. The opponent kicked the ball, but at the same time kicked the guy from your team. You end up missing the ball and they score a goal, but the guy was framed for doing a foul move, and everyone engages in a massive fight.

"Come on! You know it was fair!" Said the guy from the other team, throwing his hands in the air and pointing at you "HE was the one that couldn't afford to grab the ball!" 

"HEY FUCKHEAD!" You shouted "You go try catching the fucking ball to talk to me like that, and don't you dare to tell me what to do since you can't move one swampy gross foot without doing something that isn't damn permitted!" 

"As much as it sounds ridiculous, Kitty there is right!" Announced the guy from your team using the name that annoys you the most in the world, and your fist clenches by reflex and you SO want to beat that dudes stomach, but you control yourself. "Scoring or not, you knocked me down asshole! That score didn't count!"

"Uh, yes! It did! It might not have been the cleanest move I've ever pulled, but still! He didn't catch the ball! It went straight to the goal! You can't blame me if you chose a terrible goalkeeper!"

Ok, no. Hell no. You ain't taking this shit.

"Yeah, like your goalkeeper is a gold mine! You moron, you are declassified by breaking the rules, that's technically what we are supposed to do when we kick our fucking adversary, we fucking leave the game! The. Score. Didn't. Count!" 

"Shut it, Kit Kat! I'm talking to your fellow teammate over here! Not with you, so keep it quiet!" 

You throw your hands in the air and groan, and you've never gotten so close to a fistfight without truly fistfighting.

"Fine! Have at it! You already know my opinion."

You gave that one up. Later, you considered it a huge mistake, since in the end the guys from your team just quit and quickly forgot about the clear foul move that happened. If you were there you would never let them win. But once in your life, you played peacefully.

So gladly, your team somehow manages to pull out a score and the game ends in a shameful 1x1. You hear someone close shout that the first score was still unfair, but no one gives a shit. Including you, which is kind of rare.

 

 

So you're done. The match is over. You can finally go home and read for hours and if your flipping brother upsets you ONE SINGLE MOMENT you are about to turn into some teen runaway that killed his older brother with a hard covered rom-com.

And dear gods you are sweating. A lot. Probably as much as that fucker Equius does. (You hate him and he sweats and shakes a lot, like some 89-year-old dude with Parkinson.) You never knew you could sweat that much in less than 2 hours.

And transpirings apart, when you sat down on one bench, you saw a guy approaching your side, descending the huge stairs people hang around when a game is going down. You near immediately reckon who is that.

It's the same asshole that bothers you every day in class. Strider. And the only thing you hope happens in the spam of the next 15 seconds is that he just turns and goes to talk to anyone else but you.

And at first, you actually didn't worry that much, since you hated each other so bad he would never talk to you willingly. But then every step he took came closer to you until at some point he was standing just 2 feet away from you.

"Sup. How you doin'?" Strider asked casually, as though he was talking to one of his buddies.

When you stopped to glance at him, he was wearing a white shirt with crimson sleeves, some cherry sneakers and black jeans, where he permanently kept his hands in. Also, those stupid ass shades, and that face that never registered any emotions at all probably since it was born.

"Sweating like a pig, actually." You admit. "But really Strider, what the hell do you want?" You demand to straight your shit out right away. You just want to get the conversation over with. You've had enough today.

"Whoa man. Chill out." He said shrugging "You never gettin' any new friends with that massive stormy cloud hanging above your head. It has lightnings and all." He remarked, gesticulating towards your head.

"And that's exactly why it is hovering over there." You explain "I don't fucking want new douchebags to call friends. I'm pretty good with the ones I have. And why in the name of the fuck goddess do you care if I make new friends or not?" 

"Dunno man," He said, and you could almost swear you could see a smirk forming on his face, and you hated it. "You sound like you could use some company."

"Fuck off." And hold on a second there, where the hell was Strider going with this? 

"If you insist." He said, and now you are completely sure he is smirking, and it feels like punching him in the face very hard. "So, how 'bout friday?"

What the actual fuck.

Was Strider HITTING on you? 

No, you must've got it wrong.

There is absolutely NO way that this is happening.

You've never been this confused in your whole life.

"Friday what?" You ask in plain doubt. At this point you were already working on automatic mode, so you've packed your shit and started walking, hoping you are just hearing things. But he follows you.

"Friday, man." He said as it clarified everything by itself "It's the cheesy part where I take you to places you've never seen and shit related" He finally explained.

You are kind of having trouble reckoning the grass sitting below you, the sky and the clouds and everything in general instead of that shit eating grin stapled on his dumbass face. You feel like you are going to be sick, but you also never wanted to punch him harder in his sharp fucking jaw than now. It's a personal record.

"L-like what, the 7-Eleven down the road?" You finally manage to mash your vocal cords to work with something "Do you even know my name, screw boy?" You meant the question, you wonder if he knows your name and if he's really serious about this or if he's just fucking with you. And you really feel like it's the latter.

"Well," He scoffed. Everything made you want to punch him harder until he's knocked out. "I know a lot more than you think." He affirmed with so much confidence, it almost scared you.

But now, you were the one to scoff. "Yeah. Doubtful." You stated sarcastically "Very doubtful."

And then, you just walked out. You started to pace faster since you didn't know what to do. This time, Strider didn't follow you and that felt great.

But seriously, though. What?!

You are pretty sure the guy you've hated for 2 years straight just asked you out, and you have no idea what that means.

And you're not willing to find out, really. You just want to lie down on your bed and don't do anything during the whole weekend, and just stop to eat or go to the bathroom, because every will to do anything just evaporated somehow. And Kanaya is just going to have to deal with that. But she's kinda used to it by now. But...

You are very disconcerted, like, what the hell is wrong with that guy?

The guy's got issues, but that's not your problem to solve. But you swear, this guy knew how to annoy you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lets hope that with this dave gets the deepness of the shit he is in  
> amen bros  
> and also i threw a LOT of references to the original movie and if you pay enough attention youll fucking see em  
> those fuckers are just lying around everywhere


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh well hello again folks  
> i really hope you guys like this chapter cause i was really looking forward to writing it

The sum up is: Kankri is a dick. 

After everything you've had to put up with this week, he was really the cherry on top of the cake. A very, very rotten cherry.

 

So the thing is, when you were really young, your mother left. Left your father panicking with a 2-year-old kid and a newborn with months old. Left your father hopeless and bitter. Left him to work twice as hard to give you and your brother a worthy life.

Needless to say, none of you like to talk about her. And yet, Kankri manages to "trigger" you (his words, not yours) in the worst way possible, bless him.

How? Let's say you needed to look for toothpaste somewhere, but there only was a spare one in Kankri's bathroom, since he always kept about 2 backups for basically anything. So there you went, but the door was locked. 

You knocked harder than you needed. You could almost swear you heard someone shriek.

"Kankri?" You called. "Are you there? Can I come in?"

"Sure Karkat, come in" Answered a mildly muffled voice that you identified as your brother's.

You heard an unlocking noise, and the door clicked open.

You found your brother rummaging a very old beige little box, printed with pink roses.

At first, you didn't care enough to look inside it, so you just went straight to his drawer and grabbed the toothpaste. When you started to pace to the door, you got a small glance at what was inside the box, and that was plenty enough for you to stop walking.

It was an old pearl necklace.

You weren't very good at math, but you knew how to count. There were 3 men in the house and absolutely no woman, and you took a lucky guess on the fact that none of you wore necklaces, so there was only one conclusion: the necklace was your mom's.

"Do you think...?" Kankri started.

"Yeah"

A 'yeah' was all you could cast out of your mouth.

Both you and Kankri looked in awe and horror to the necklace. It was incredibly conserved, even though there was some dirt in it, but nothing a rinse in the sink couldn't solve. It looked fancy, like those Chanel's or whatever ones; one of the few things your dad said about your mom is that she had a refined taste, especially for jewelry. Guess he was right.

"So. What do we do?" Kankri asked, looking expectantly at you. "Do you think we should give it to dad? Could it trigger him?"

"Hell no! Kankri, we can't give that to dad," You argued. "he's already had enough stress at work, he doesn't need a friendly reminder that mom once lived in this house. I say we put it back in the box and throw it somewhere, or hide it, or bury it. Whatever. Get rid of it." 

"What?! No, Karkat, don't you realize?" He demanded, looking with that you-are-very-stupid face of his. You hated that face. "We can't throw it away."

"Of course we can! Watch me!" You raised your hand aggressively to grab it, but surprisingly enough, Kankri was fast enough to dodge you. 

"No, Karkat!" He shouted. "This isn't ours to just dispose of it anywhere. Even though mom left, this still belongs to her. It's not the right thing to do."

"Well, it's not like she's coming back to claim them, is she?!" You started to push your brother even harder to get the necklace out of him.

"Karkat! Stop it!" 

Too late. You both were caught up struggling to take possession of it, until at some point you were pulling it from opposite sides. And since the necklace was not made out of titanium, eventually, it gave in.

The pearls splashed all over the floor, making a noise that maybe could be heard downstairs, but since dad wasn't home, there was no one else except for you and Kankri to hear it.

The look on Kankri's face was trying to decide whether to be furious or disappointed. Your face felt even more confusing, but not so strangely, you had lots of anger to show off.

"Get out." Kankri demanded, and by the tone of his voice, you knew he was on the edge of hitting your face, but he decided to remain with his calm. 

You didn't know how to react, so you remained where you were.

"Get out. Now." He asked once again.

You growled in rage and left without saying an actual word, kicking the door abruptly and making a huge sound, and started to walk away from your brother's room, stomping.

Sometimes, Kankri is as insufferable as one could be. But at this time, he just passed a lot of limits. How dare he?! Mom did nothing for your family except being a biological part of you. However, he still sort of defended her. You can't afford to understand him normally, but now, it's a brand new record.

You started to descend the stairs and reached the floor level, and throwing yourself on the sofa in the living room, placing your hand on your head and scratching your hair furiously. You did that when your nerves were at the edge.

After what it felt 3 hours, you looked outside and saw your car parked at the front of your house. 

Your dad bought you this old car for you hardly a year ago, when you finally got your license, and it felt like one of the best things you've ever done. Well, after when you accidentally found Twilight posters hidden under Kanaya's bed (which she insisted were a past thing, but you still doubt it).

Now that you think about it, having a car is really useful. You could go anywhere you wanted. In the time you wanted. And to your own surprise, you just decided that that's what you're gonna do. Grab your car and go do something that relaxes you, to make you forget this fucking debacle. You won't be able to be in this house any fucking longer, especially with your brother just upstairs.

(Kankri didn't have a car because he insisted that he wasn't going to pollute the nature just to get his sorry ass somewhere or whatever the stupid reason he made up was.) 

So you went to the kitchen and grabbed your keys just where you left them: on the small circular table your family uses to have breakfast. After that, you walked through the door, locked it, and went straight to your car. After you entered you attempted to make the engine start. It took 2 times to get it right, which was good. Normally you had to try 3 times. Oh well.

You are wondering where to go... So many places you liked. Damn, suddenly this town felt so much bigger... Aaaaaand...

Of fucking course! There was a movie/TV series rental place 7 minutes away from your house. Thank god for that place existing. You could grab something then go watch it in Kanayas' place. You always felt at home with the Maryam's (sometimes, more than you did with your own family).

You started driving away and feeling really comfortable with yourself. Finally some freedom.

 

 

 

After you arrived, you scrolled through the store for about 15 minutes until you simply settled with Sex and the City (season 4, which is, in your humble opinion, the best.), paid for a one-week rental, and then left.

You were probably so focused wondering if you were more like Carrie or Charlotte (and feeling like the answer was plausibly Carrie) that you nearly jumped when you heard someone say: "Nice ride. Vintage fenders."

When you looked over, there was someone leaning on your car. It was a blond guy.

No, no, wait, nononono. It wasn't just a 'blond guy'. It was the shit-eating moron, dickmuncher, fuckhead, asshole lord, Dave Strider himself.

"Are you fucking following me?" You spoke, imitating what your brain was saying.

Oh my god. It can't fucking BE. Today is finally the day you get to murder someone.

"I was in the laundromat." He pointed to a building across the street, which you immediately recognized as somewhere to get your clothes washed. "Came by to say hi." He answered, fixing his glasses.

"Hi. There, you said it, I said it. Mind fucking off now?"

"Nah" He shrugged. "You are not really the talking type, are you?" He inquired, his face looking somewhat expectant.

"It depends, my fenders don't exactly whip me into a verbal frenzy." 

He grinned.

"You don't think I'm cool now, do ya?" He asked, and really what the fucking type of question was that? 

You decided to not aggravate this any longer and simply replied: "Like most stupid shitbrains you hang out with, I don't".

"Well, at least they appreciate me." He said, and taking a small break before saying (and you really wished he didn't) "You may think I'm not cool but I'm sure you've thought about me naked." He wiggled his eyebrows, with the most awful smirk you've ever seen.

Ok. You knew he was saying it ironically, because there was no way someone could be that much of a jerk. Even Alec Baldwin couldn't achieve that much (ok, he could, you really hated that guy, but still).

Although, Dave really overcame himself. Graciously. You felt like getting a chainsaw and cutting him in half, and you also knew that Kanaya would help with that if given the chance (because of that fucking day you asked her a weird and depraved thing she would love to do and then she, without losing a drop of her elegance, said: "use a chainsaw to cut something in half, especially a human". Nevertheless, your best friend's will to murder someone in the goriest way possible could be of use right now).

"Ugh, I'm I that transparent?" You said, rolling your eyes. "I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby." You said, trying to make your voice as mocking and ironic as possible. Just so he would get the message. And then you pushed him away from your door, as you managed, at last, to get in your not-so-comfy car. 

He looked through your window, searching for what you figured was the bag that contained your newest rental.

"Yo, is that Sex in the City?" he asked.

You didn't give him any response, you had no obligation to, and you felt like it was going to bite your ass later.

"Kinky." He said, answering his own question.

And after all this nonsense babbling, he finally started to walk away. You were praising every being that ever crossed your path in your whole life just because you wouldn't have to handle this guy any longer, when suddenly.

There was a car. It was obnoxiously red. Red and expensive. Red and expensive and looked like it was removed straight away from the 1950s with a time machine.

Needless to say, the car belonged to Cronus Ampora.

Cronus was parking behind you and blocking your way out.

"Ugh, what is it? Asshole day?" You wondered aloud.

He walked out of the car, walking with that way of walking he had, with that face of 'I'm the king of the world sweetie', and you loathed that so much that Dave's annoyance felt weak compared to his. You can't take this idiotic and shitty parade no longer.

"Do you mind?!" You shouted, pointing to his car as he passed by.

"Oh, hey Karkat!" He greeted "Actually, I don't mind at all." He said, answering your question. Then he walked away like wasn't fucking blocking your way out.

Oh no. Oh HELL no. Nah ah. That's it.

On a move that could be considered a reflex, you backed up your car at full speed and hit Cronus' car. The bump you felt signed that the damage you caused was definitely not small. After looking through your window, you saw that the driver's door was wrecked, and you were feeling really proud of yourself.

"ARE YOU CRAZY?!" You heard the owner of the recently maimed vehicle yell.

When you looked back to see his desperate face, you also saw Strider, not far behind, laughing his ass off, and you couldn't help but laugh a little, too.

"Whoops."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i do have a headcanon that karkat would really love sex and the city if he watched it  
> stop judging me


	5. Chapter 5

You need a damn raise.

Doesn't matter how much you appreciated witnessing a car getting brutally maimed by Karkat's driving skills (or the lack of them), there are somethings you can't put up with. 

Such as his aggressive behavior. And that behavior is causing you too much trouble for the paycheck you get, so yeah, you fucking need a raise. You want that goddamn money sitting on top of your desk, and you aren't backing away without some extra bucks.

So Senior Ampora and you ought to talk business, which is not your daily plan for a Monday morning, but that's what's going down, you guess.

But like everything, business is an art. It has a whole choreography. A well planned, prize-winning, showstopping choreography. The basics of doing Business With Dave™ includes walking to the jackass you're negotiating with like you already own what's his, and keep the neatest voice tone ever, like you mean serious shit. They might be tough to crack, but they will. Eventually. If you are just displeasing enough. 

After realizing that you've spent some useless 20 minutes in your apartment hanging around, reviewing your approach a few times and waiting to depart without showing up at school too soon and consequently having nothing to do, you finally decide to move your ass. So go to the elevator, get to the garage, enter your car and leave.

 

Since traffic is a bitch, you almost missed your first period. Not that you were bothered to miss English, but if you had any more tardies, you'd get detention, and one per week was wearisome enough. On the counterpart, the thought of having to share most of your periods with Karkat was pretty bad. So basically you were hoping today was finally the day you'd get run over by a truck.

And to be honest, this specific class hoisted that hope on many levels, reaching the big boss level. It never seemed to end. Those 40 minutes kept going on and on, draining your soul bit by bit, like a freaking vacuum cleaner.

During some of those minutes, TBUOTS (you kind of don't want to keep repeating his name in your mind, so you're calling him that, which is an abbreviation for 'The Boy Unaware Of The Schemes') was scolded by the teacher for whatever reason, like usual. That kid loves to fight. 

You kept trying, unsuccessfully, not to look at him. Unfortunately, your eyes betrayed you every time, but those are the moments that wearing shades comes in handy. To be honest, the effort to contain yourself was so demanding that the vexatious school siren nearly made you jump from your chair. You took the opportunity to grab your things at light speed and rush out of the room before anyone noticed you. 

You were now on the safe, comfortable and cozy, school corridors.

Gladly, you found Cronus pretty easily (since his hairstyle and his old, awful fragrance were nearly impossible not to notice) and went to talk to him as soon as you saw him. He was getting a book and a strawberry pop tart box from his locker, from what you saw.

"Sup, Ampora" You leaned on the locker next to his, crossing your arms.

When he reckoned your presence and looked to you, his face was a blast of a lot of emotions: anguish, misery, and a very noticeable absence of sleep. All of his remaining life forces seemed to have been poured away from him.

"Dude. What happened to you?" You asked frankly "You look like shit."

"Save it, Strider." He requested "Just tell me vwhat you vwant already."

"I see, straight to negotiation. Got it."

He groaned quite loudly, looking the sheer definition of pathetic.

"Oh man, I've just remembered." You snickered "The same guy who represents why you can't shag Vantas the First is the one who wrecked your car like it was made out of paper. Sorry to hear about your loss, your car seemed very important to you, but don't worry, I'm sure if you just give a call to Danny Zuko-" 

"Shut your frickin' mouth for a minute before you go too far!" He warned and whispered to himself "Great job, Cronus, get too invwolwved vwith a guy and then have to hire the worst person in the wvhole school to help you be able to date him."

"Hey, don't blame me for Karkat playing tough to get. But no worries, I will win that rebel little heart and you'll get to kiss the living shit out of his brother." You affirmed, fixing your hair, that was once again a mess. "One condition though, I'mma need more money for it."

Ampora looked like he'd just been stabbed.

"Vwhat?!" He squealed, high-toned. "You already hawve fifty. You need more?" He shook his head, and you could almost swear he said 'what a mercenary' to himself, but you decide not to dwell on it.

"One hundred bucks. And advanced. I'm kind of in a hurry." 

"Ugh. Fine!" He said while getting his wallet, and handing you a fresh Franklin. "I don't ewven care anymore. But you better knovw vwhat you're doin', Strider. It might come back for you later."

You take the bill, opening a fake smile on your face "You got it. But man, I'll keep my eye opened during nighttime, you creep." 

And then you walked out, really proud of yourself.

Aw yeah, a hundred extra bucks for your savings, this is definitely paying off. If you kept this going, this could be of real use.

Suddenly, your day appeared to have lightened up. This was getting pretty delightful, for your astonishment.

That was, of course, until you heard that voice tone. That one, unique, voice that made your spine shiver to the moon and back. Especially because it came out so smooth.

"Hello, dear cousin. I see you've found a new way to harvest an adequate compensation for your tough occupation?"

You didn't even need to turn back to see who it was, you already knew.

Your cousin, Rose Lalonde, was standing behind you, holding some of her enormous books and grinning through that shiny black lipstick on her mouth. Her clothes were unstained and flawlessly well-cared, as usual. From afar, you could smell her lavender-scented perfume.

It's almost impressive the way she manages to look the same every day, and yet even more mysterious.

"Oh, hey, sup Rose." You greeted "As usual, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about" 

"Oh, David." She giggled "No need to linger the denying process, I am plainly cognizant of your contemporary working schedule."

Of course she knows, is there anything that she doesn't know? How in the world could she not know? You really should've seen it coming. You won't even give yourself the task to deny it.

"One day, Lalonde," You sigh "I'll learn how to do this shit you do, and then you're done."

"We shall see about that." Her grin turned even grimmer as she proceeded to talk "But now, enlighten me, please. Why would you accept to do it? I know you well enough to comprehend that you wouldn't just do it for a payment. You are greater than that. So please, explain me why."

"Do I really have to?" You ask "I have a feeling you already know the answer by now. I need the money, you know it. And why the sudden interest in what I do? I thought you had more to do, like, with your psychology club or whatever."

Your cousin was the main founder of a group of people as nuts as her about other's brains and how they work. Every participant of that thing startled the living shit out of you. Well, there were like, one or two guys that were cool and all. But the rest? Frightening.

"My corporation has nothing to do with it." She paused, laying her index finger on her lower lip "Well, actually, it has, a little. We are studying your case, and I wanted to check who was correct about what."

"I'm not one of your unrequited patients, Rose. Goddamit." You groaned "Tell your friends to stop analyzing me. Sincerely. Weird fucking shit."

"Dave, don't be so oblivious. I have been analyzing you since we were 7." She smirked. "And one more thing, you talk too much about my comrades without actually realizing that one of them is standing right behind you." She warned you, looking directly at your back, sending some unwarranted chills to your arms. 

You really didn't want to look at your back, that was the last thing you wanted or needed right now. Miraculously, you didn't even have to. Rose's friend came right at your side.

"Hello, cool kid." She greeted, with the widest grin you've ever seen in weeks. "Been doing some deals with the devil, huh?"

You promptly recognized that it was Terezi Pyrope. It was kind of hard to confuse her with someone else. Her candy red glasses were so shiny that they could bring spark to a whole cavern. Also, she had a weird odor of chalk, which you knew related to an odd hobby of smelling it, licking it and at some point using it to actually draw. Another detail about Terezi is that she has been blind since she was very young, and no one knows how it happened.

You had a crush on her a few years ago, somewhere between your 13th or 14th. She was one of the coolest girls you've ever met and she still takes that place. You kind of respect her a lot.

"Hey Rez, and yeah, that cunning guy got me right under his dark maneuverings. Dang it."

"So the cool kid has finally been mastered?" She gasped "You must be really desperate if you have to make a deal with an Ampora to make your money! I expected more from you, Dave."

"Oh no. My only goal in life, my nightmare." You do an exasperated move with your hands. "What have I done? I have failed everything I've ever lived up to. Who will I be now?"

Terezi cackled long enough for Rose to interrupt.

"Well, there is something you can do for us now." She crept up one of her eyebrows "Clarify us on that topic. We just want to know some things, and we'll stop bothering you."

"Oh yes, Dave." Terezi pleaded "Explain to us why are you involving yourself with the plans. The plans, Dave. According to those plans, you would have to make out with Karkles, Dave. Karkles!"

"Ok, hey, no. I have no need whatsoever to have any sort of contact with Grouchy Kat Face. I just gotta take him out on a few dates so Cronus can get along with his brother, I guess." You shrugged "A lot of work for just one man, I may add."

"Well, if it is as demanding as you state, then you must be enjoying it. You love a challenge, even if it is feeble-minded. Or could it be..." Rose said, taking a small pause. Oh no, great. There she goes with her conclusions. "That you have developed some sort of romantic interest in Karkat?" 

This is even more depressing then you thought it would be.

"What? No Rose, c'mon. What the fuck?" You really repentance being related to Rose. It will perpetually mean you are being owned. "Gross. He is the most unbearable person I've ever met. It's impossible to like him. Really, I have no idea how your big fat crush does it."

You know the mention of Rose's new interest, Kanaya, leads her to be uncomfortable, that's why you dropped those cards on the table. For your unfortunate shock, her grin turned deeper. Your remaining hopes are now debris. There, you just handed your ass over to her.

"I reckon you want to change the subject. If your appeal for Karkat makes you tense, it's only normal that you would do anything to avoid it."

Suddenly, Terezi's expression represented some irrefutable delight. "Ohhh, so Dave is indeed head over heels for Karkrab." She adds.

You roll your eyes, nonchalantly. "You guys need to snap out of the fanfiction vibes. It's getting comical. Now excuse me while I try to find a faucet to clean the bullshit I've just listened to." You inform them, and you almost took a few steps when Rose called you out.

"Oh no. Don't leave just yet." She asks "We are actually here to aid you in this situation."

That was plenty enough for you to stop. "... Wait, you are?" You query, abnormally more confused then you typically were. "Well, damn, you better start making yourself more clear. Someday, you'll miss the opportunity to do something just because you keep messing with someone."

"But messing with people is the good part!" Terezi claimed, looking amusingly gory. " And yes, we want to help you out with this thing you're doing. As you see," She wiggled her eyebrows with the mention of having an eyesight. You can't control yourself, so you giggle just a bit. "I am part of the cramped group that is able to stand Karkitty and takes him as a buddy. I've known him since we were really young and green. I understand how he works and what he likes, I'm assuming this information could help you out? Don't take me wrong, after all, what do I know anyway?" 

The problem is, Terezi is really good with words. It's like she reads peoples minds, just like she is doing right now. But you're still not buying it.

"Yeah, right. And why should I trust you to back me up here? How do I know you're not just fucking around?"

Rose looked at you as though you were a toddler that had no idea how to chew."Because, my dear cousin, we are currently the only thing you have to support you. You are evidently conscious that without us, you won't be able to succeed."

They got you right in a corner. Of course. You know you need them, what else do you have? 

Well, at least now you understand that there is no going back. You are really making a deal with the Devil. Two devils, to be precise.

"Fine, I'm in. What do you have that can possibly help me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit: sooooo i've been receiving some doubts about the pov's.  
> most of them are going to be karkat's, but some of them will have to be written as dave's, so don't seek a logical order for it, it's really a mess.  
> but don't worry, i'll give ya a little heads up when it changes.  
> (ps: next chapter will be a karkat pov already, so don't startle yourselves.)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hewwo, here i am, bringing to you a new chapter of this mess.  
> i think it's the longest i wrote, so enjoy it well

If there is anything to gain from destroying a car that belongs to someone who really bothers you, it is the knowledge that your brother will actively try to strangle you for it. 

It is assuredly a part of your common sense that the itinerant fucker you are obligated to tolerate doesn't know how to shut up, especially when the subject is his boyfriend. And in this case, Kankri would never get fed up with vexing you. 

The reaction he displayed after he heard about what happened was, genuinely, one to be recorded and exhibited somewhere any sort of dreadful douchebag could observe. His words were something between "Karkat, are you plainly conscious of how notoriously senseless you can be with anyone that crosses your path?!" and "Fuck you, psycho". 

Albeit you must admit, it was so fucking worth it. The haughty doofus your brother dates had it coming. He drives you batshit up the fucking belfry, and he is fully aware of that. Your patience is very brittle, especially when you're messing with him. But then again, he is just a loudmouth piece of crap who has been hot on your brother's heels since last summer. Considering all of that, you were surprised he was so mad at you about what happened.

As for Kankri, being the witless douche he is, delighted himself in annoying you the entire weekend, as a form of personal revenge for your actions. 

The aftermath of your interactions with your brother for the past few days perplexed you: you craved to leave the house so much that you felt actual joy to go to school. Seeing someone civilized never deemed as necessary as it did now. Thankfully, you had Kanaya to help you out with that. 

Unfortunately, said help would have to be postponed until after the third period (your lunch break). As a consequence, when you got to school, resembling the corporeal definition of someone defeated and exhausted, all you wanted to do was to punch someone in the face. Very hard. Using a brass knuckle. 

Very probably why being scolded right during the very first period came out as no surprise. You felt the desperate need to pick a fight no matter what, and the English teacher was the one to draw the short straw. You could tolerate the guy, but during that particular class, his appearance and stance were so inviting for a fight, you couldn't maintain yourself. 

Once again, you earned yourself a reprimand. 

 

 

Then there was the calm after the storm. Everything that followed was a vast mix of nothing and oblivion. The two later periods were dragged out, seeping your will to do simple things (such as breathing or even existing) until they reached an alarming level. 

Gladly, after the end of the third period, Kanaya easily spotted you heading for the cafeteria. She, in her never-ending glory, came up to you with one of her Kind Mom-Looks™, and asked you simply: 

"Anything you mind telling me about?" 

You groan, resting your head on her chest like you regularly do after you've had a lot of shit and can't stand anything or anyone anymore. Mostly because Kanaya's perfume is so welcoming and has a powerful effect on your anger, somehow. You feel calmer and safer around her. 

"You have no fucking idea." 

You explain to her everything that occurred during the weekend, from the pearls your brother found, to being once again harried by Strider, then finally to maiming Cronus' car and having to put up with Kankri's shit. 

Kanaya just continued to listen, a troubled look increasing on her face. It made you feel slightly more enraged then you were when you started this conversation, but you still waited for her response expectantly. 

When you finished your speech, you glimpsed at her in the search for her reaction, but all she gave you was a twisted lip. 

"Karkat, for how long has Dave been bothering you?" She asked. 

The question baffled you a lot. After everything you said, she only cares about 'the Dave problem'? You mean, the guy is unendurable as one could be and he can't leave you alone, but you thought she'd be more concerned about your rage fit against Cronus' vehicle than that. 

"What do you mean?"

"Well," she began, clearing her throat and placing her right hand on your left shoulder. "First, you claim that you never got along. Then, Dave starts to talk with you frequently. I don't know, it puzzles me."

"I have no fucking clue! Do you think I get this either?" You scoff. "I hate him, he knows I hate him, and he probably hates me too. So why is he taunting me all the time?" You wonder aloud.

As you both fell silent, it felt like you were equally confused, but that feeling faded away when you saw Kanaya's expression. One you've been acquainted with for a while.

"Oh, hell no. You've got that look on your face."

"What look?" She asked, still giving you that look.

"That look right there! The look you give me when you think I'm acting stupid!" 

She sounded marginally offended. "I am giving you no such look!" She affirms, yet the look was still stapled on her face.

Kanaya's trademark look only showed up when you were in doubt about something, but she long had figured the answer, like it was a simple math question. The catch was, she never shared the information with you. According to her, it was part of some process with the purpose to magnify your maturity.

You sigh, crushed once more by her vagueness. "Whatever. I give up." You say, throwing your hands in the air, hoping for some spirit to grab it and drag you away from Earth. Hell was a pleasant option by now. "Kankri turned the house into a fricking war zone. And he is thirsty for blood. My blood, specifically."

Her face appeared to have lightened up, as though she just had a brilliant idea. "You can stay at my house for a while if your dad authorizes you." She suggests. "I'm sure he would comprehend, due to the current situation."

"Haha, I wish." You complain. "I'm grounded for the rest of my lifespan after what I did. Thank you for caring, though. It's not of real use, but thanks." 

Kanaya's kindness seemed to have faltered after that remark.

"Oh. I thought you were truly grateful for that." She sighed. "I was wrong again, apparently."

That felt like being stabbed in the stomach.

Oh no, amend that. Being stabbed in the stomach would've been much less painful.

You let out a sigh, lowering your head. "I'm so sorry. I'm an asshole and now I've hit the ultimate dickhead-level. I was being honest back there. Please forgive me." You pleaded frankly.

"Oh Karkat, it's ok, really." She smiled. "I know you had no intention to sadden me. Don't worry, you're still my best friend." She assured you.

You looked at her, the only person who ever took you as you were and never gave up. Not the first, and neither the only one who ever accepted you: the only one who ever did that and was still here with you. 

You couldn't help but hug her.

"I'm glad you're here. I really needed your support right now."

She giggles softly at your back. "Anytime."

Then you were kind of just there. Hugging and savoring your friendship and the bliss it had brought. For a single second, all the nuisances, dilemmas and complications of your life faded away. 

That show-stopping second lasted enough for something to snap you back into reality. A voice, specifically.

"I wasn't able to see that, but it sounded like the most adorable thing ever."

You pulled away from the hug hastily and investigated to identify who was talking.

Apparently, the school was infested with ghosts from the Christmas past. And you were Jim Carrey.

No one less than Terezi Pyrope, girl you've liked for 6 years straight, who trusted you with the gory secret of how she became blind, and your best friend when you were young was standing right in front of you.

Of course, you knew Terezi studied here, you've seen her walking down the halls or going to classes from time to time. Although, as you two didn't share any period, you never took time to notice how much she had changed, and it was kind of shocking. Her creepy grin wasn't modified a single bit. She seemed thinner, and her hair was slightly unkempt. Also, she grew a lot, being now several inches taller than you.

You felt anguished and anxious just by the sight of her. It had been literal ages since you last shared a word. Obviously, you didn't blame her, that would be way too unfair. After that oafish fit of jealousy you had about her, you wouldn't expect her to want to look at your face again.

But there she was, ushering the only thought in your mind to be how fucking much life was a box of surprises.

You took a deep breath, and started to talk. "Oh, hi, Terezi." You greet, scratching your right arm nervously. You had absolutely no idea of what to say, so you settle for a "What are you doing here?".

"I overheard your little chat." She admits.

"Oh, you did?" Kanaya asks.

"I did, in fact." Terezi echoes.

And then it all falls into an awkward silence, to the point where the three of you are just staring at each other like this is some dumb competition to see who blinks the first. 

Luckily for her and not so luckily for you, Kanaya maneuvered herself out of that situation gracefully.

"I have the slightest feeling that you two ought to talk." She declares. "I have no intention whatsoever to get in the middle of that. I will just escort myself out."

And then she walked away.

Sneaky girl. Well played. Very wicked, but well played.

That leaves you and Terezi. 

As you weren't able to say a word and avoided eye contact with her for a handful of seconds, you surmised she would get tired and walk away eventually. Instead, she just opened her characteristic mischievous smile. 

"You are still that bad at interactions." She giggles. "I expected more from you, candy-faced Karkles."

You look at her, and surprisingly, start laughing. A genuine laugh. Later on, your cheeks were throbbing and aching since, honestly, you haven't laughed like that in ages. Terezi returned the feeling, seeming pretty amused herself, and accompanying you in the act.

And just like that, with the mention of the old, stupid nickname that made your ears go red when you were just a youngster, everything started to feel as it did before. 

"So," you ask ultimately. "what the hell have you been up to for the past few centuries?"

Her grin hinted that you were about to listen to some crazy shit. "Oh, you better sit down before you pass out. My awesomeness is going to knock you out."

Afterward, you heard a lot of crazy, unthought of, and utterly messy shit. Wonder was not a part of the combo, though. That was just Terezi's way to be. She told you about how she became a co-leader of a psychoanalysis club here in school that theorizes everything concerning what is going on between the students and teachers to get some sort of glimpse of what will follow (in her words, they were "forecasting the predictable and boderline pornografic future of these crazy teens"), about how she was an active member of some kind of extreme sport (that she didn't care to explain), and about fact that she could already be at college if she pleased to, regarding the fact that the best university in the state would effortlessly take her as a law student 2 years ahead (and you must confess, it was no surprise to you that she still wanted to be an attorney after all these years, it was always her deal).

As it turned out, you were so astonished by her feats that when it was your turn to talk, you were speechless.

She had so much to discuss, so many fascinating and uncanny histories, and then there was you. Petty and useless, with nothing interesting to say. Presumably, a bunch of things never changed.

"Haha. Guess what." 

Terezi pouted, looking somewhat frustrated. "If I still know you as much as I think I do, you are going to argue that you have nothing exciting to say. I call it bollocks!" She states. She never could accept your low self-esteem, no matter how factual it was.

"But what can I say? I haven't accomplished half of the things you did in a few months during my whole lifetime. That's beyond me."

She sighs in a disgruntled tone. "Well, since you won't give me what I want, you could always tell me bottom-line info." 

"Bottom-line-- wait, what?" You reverberate.

"Oh, you know. The basics! I think I hardly know anything about your tastes anymore. Like, is your favorite band still that super-boring classic one? Do you still drink at least three cups of coffee per day? C'mon, tell me!"

"Ah, that sort of information." You stop to think for a moment. "I guess it's worth a try. Rather unavailing, but if that's what you want, who am I to contradict you?" You shrug, trying to remember something to say. "I guess I still like that band you talked about, but now I suppose I'm more into indie rock? The Killers are definitely my main choice, but there is this group called The Green Sun founded in here that I admire a lot. They play in a nightclub me and Kanaya frequent from time to time. You know, Club Scratch?" You ask rhetorically, just to emphasize. "Yeah, that place. In fact, we are going to their show on Saturday. Anyway, about the coffee thing? I drink the minimum of five cups per day because I always like to overcome myself on useless shit. Meat is still my favorite meal of all time. I spend too much time reading and watching movies if you ask me. And finally, the thing I loathe the most is having to explain my opinion to others." You finish, dropping a small hint.

"Wow. You really didn't change at all. Still the same grumpy boy I met all those years ago." She commented, making your cheeks moderately hot, which made you inordinately bothered.

You snicker out of sheer embarrassment, scraping the back of your head because of a dumb reflex. "As comic as it is, I guess I am."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, in fact. it is your worst nightmare----- or not.  
> the next two chapters will be dave pov. hoorayyyyy


End file.
